That and sneezing. Yeah, sneezing. ouch.
Still 3 weeks out and I get this serious nervous twitch when I start to feel hiccups or a sneeze come on. It hurts. My boobs hurt in general and I still can't lift my arms above a 45° angle. That is normal. I still can't reach the cup shelf and it is difficult to open up my medicine bottles. I also can't wash my hair. My boobs are deflated. I can't laugh really hard, so I snap. Seriously, I snap, like a sorority girl (no offense).
The past few days were pretty slow for me. I also think it was the first time there was quiet in my head and around me since I found the lump 9 weeks ago (to this day). I'm healing, recovering, not my self yet, and it is quiet. I'm officially now "cancer free" they tell me. Everything moved so fast after they did the biopsy on me. High on adrenaline I guess. Survival mode kicked in. And now its quiet. Now its time to figure out the next steps, but there isn't a rush. Next steps...I should go in and paint, draw and be creative for me. But honestly, it's hard, so I couldn't find the motivation yet. Or maybe the focus. There are still uncertainties. I'm still waiting on a final test to see if I definitely need chemo or not (my ONCA score). So I just sat and watched TV...mostly Grey's Anatomy from the Season/Episode 1.
So I grieved, for the first time since I was diagnosed. I grieved for my beautiful boobs. I grieved for this cancer that will put a fear in my head for the rest of my life. I grieved that my arms and movement will always struggle because of this surgery. I grieved for not being able to ever feel the joys of breast feeding (even if I hear it really isn't all that it's cracked up to be). I grieved for the slight chance I may not be able to have children because of this. I grieved for being single and hoping that someone will love me and stand by me. I grieved for my grandmother who lost this battle. I grieved for the fact that everyone will look at me different. I grieved because I will be weaker and softer in a way. I will never think the same with any decision. I grieved for the single fact, that I will never be the same.
So I grieved. And I needed that. That is part of recovery.
That doesn't make me weak, by any standards. I needed that. So I can feel the pain that I was going through. Every single person handles every situation differently. And I just wanted to let you know, that it is alright to grieve and feel the pain. I know that over the past few weeks, I have posted photos from the beginning of smiles on my face and jokes. And that is so not fake, but also how I grieved and felt the pain. I needed to feel those laughs, jokes, smiles, hugs, messages, likes, cards, support to get me through. And it wasn't that I wasn't scared, because I was, but I also felt that was what I needed to do. If you also know me, I'm not a drama queen, if something bad happens, I don't crowd in a corner crying and find a blame game, I just figure out a way to fix it. I was even like that before I owned a business in a highly stressful, highly last minute profession. Oh the printer screwed something up for the wedding tomorrow, UPS didn't show up with those napkins that we need today..let's just figure out how to fix the damn thing. And I do. I fix it. And thats what I did....let's just fix the damn thing. So after my few weeks of "fixing" mode I also had this other overwhelming feeling to fight, live and inspire. I know that sounds like a cheesy wall hanging you find in Cracker Barrel or even if designed in an awesome way at cute paper boutique on an adorable downtown mall. But it's the truth. So thats what I did, and thats what I will continue to do. I just wanted to let you know, it is okay to grieve and feel the pain too in whatever way is right for you.
I can't remember if I read it somewhere or what, but I have always kept it with me...there wouldn't be good without the bad. Otherwise we wouldn't have the good, we wouldn't appreciate the good. We wouldn't know what good is. So without the pain, would we not run to healthy? Without the ugly, would we not love the pretty? Without the rain would we not dance in the sunshine?
So here's my good.
I'm going to freaking rock life. Take life as it is. Appreciate it. Love my new perky boobs. Wear my scars proudly. Talk about my experiences because it is a part of me and always will be. Laugh as much as I can, especially when I don't have to snap. Love my body. Be good to my body. Love my family and friends. Be good to my family and friends. Take any experience I can take. Travel when I want and where I want. I'll totally get in fights with life, but isn't that any relationship. With fights come the making up.
And now I'm making up with my life.
And huge apologies for being all serious and corny in this post. I blame it on Meredith Grey's monologues.
Dani and the still sore girls