So battling cancer I have realized is a lot of a control balancing act.
In one moment, you are the only person in your corner, being your own advocate, researching like a bandit, trying to look up and pronounce every freakin' term/method/drug that your doctor threw your way. Double checking what they said with some online blog/website of the latest and greatest. Making sure they are doing everything in their power and knowledge to protect you, make and keep you whole again. And with the fast moving technology of today, that they are up to date.
Really - YOU are the only one who knows what your breast surgeon said, what your plastic surgeon said, what your oncologist said, what your dermatologist said, what your gynecologist said, what your fertility doctor said, what your friends say, what online says and more importantly what your heart, head and gut tell you. (Yeah I've met a lot of them) You still have to be in control and listen and make sure they all are flowing together for your best benefit. Because in the end all of the decisions are still yours. I chose to have a double mastectomy. I chose to have chemo. I chose to push out chemo a few extra weeks, so I could freeze my eggs. I chose my final breast size. And I also chose to keep my head up through it all.
All of these specialist doctors that I have visited over the past 8 months (wow can you believe this has been 8 months) all are amazing at what they do and there is a reason why they are specialists. They give you all their recommendations and options. But when it comes down to it, you have to decide...which is kind of the scary part.
So you do.
And that is also when you get to the other moment...when you just throw your hands in the air and let go and trust in your doctors, specialist, technology, god, universe, faith, whomever. If you don't have that, that is when anxiety hits. And let's be honest....ain't nobody got time for that...especially when your battling something like cancer. (Ativan can only take you so far...)
I feel like I always kept an open dialogue with all my doctors to the point I trusted them to help make the best decision for me.
I kind of put this all together recently when I realized I was fully comfortable going into my final implant surgery. This was my last surgery to make me look normal. My blood pressure was low and I was really calm. As my plastic surgeon marked me up, I remembered the first time I walked into his office and being so nervous, my blood pressure was high. The highest it was the entire time. Higher than the day my breast surgeon sat me down to go over my cancer. Higher than the day my oncologist told me she recommended chemo. Along with the cancer part, I was also highly nervous at what I was going to look like in the end...let's face it...I was 30 and single. And also the anxiety that I was having more anxiety over the appearance part of it. I should just be happy with what I get right, I have cancer. I shouldn't be worrying about the appearance of it. Stop being vain Dani. But my doc was the best, and listened and cared to the point I was so comfortable with him before the surgery, I completely trusted him. So I let go and just knew I would wake up with the best outcome for me at that exact moment.
And then Andie Anderson from How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days popped in my head. That movie has always been a favorite and guilty pleasure. I mean first off, their names are Andie Anderson and Benjamin Barry...names just roll off your tongue so well. But anywho - aside from Love Ferns and symmetrical names. I was always drawn to the quote while she was learning to drive his motorcycle..."A little give, and a little go." Which obviously was referring to the clutch and break, but also their relationship and life.
And well, now I'm using it for my life. Not only for cancer but everything in life. You can't give it all up, and you can't press go all the time. You have to find that balance. And sometimes when you think you have control in your life and a plan in place, life throws curve balls at you and you have to go with it. Like how I had plans to save money to buy a house and rebrand my business over the past 8 months...but then I got cancer. So you just have to go with it. And find your own balance to battle life. Well not necessarily "battle" life but just live life. The middle ground of control and faith....
of give and go...
Dani and her balanced girls
(mentally + symmetrically)