It has been awhile since I've blogged. I have a lot of drafts just chillin' that I may post later on when I'm ready to reveal those aspects. But here is a big update.
I just saw my plastic surgeon last week and we chatted that I'm officially a year out of completing everything!!!! (My final implant surgery was April 2016). And I graduated to yearly visits. Yay! Moving on!
I will be honest and say the past year has been hard. When all my doctors (who you see on a weekly basis) say okay I'll see you in 3 months, 6 months, a year. You are like ummm....what?....uhhh....what am I supposed to do now? You get released out in the wild with what you just went through. (I think this also goes to show how amazing my doctors were that I was sad to leave them.) But still it was hard to be normal and relaxed about life when you just go through that. It is a mixture of fear to be back in control of your life and also fear of cancer coming back.
I also was so open about my journey, I kind of wanted to hide for awhile. Figure things out. Figure out this new life. New boobs. New Journey. And I thought you didn't want to hear my thoughts, because they weren't as humorous as it was during. It was almost like I had blinders on during all of treatment.
The start of this year around February I think I really started to get over my grieving phase. Which I realized that was what was happening. I was grieving for my old life and the future. I really was seeing the other end of the tunnel and getting excited about life again. I starting coming up with more projects at work. I got into working out. I got into painting. Loved cooking for my man. And a strong desire to travel. I was on the other end of it.
Here are my phases: (different for everyone and whatever treatment I'm sure)
Phase 1: Pure Shock. WTF. I have Cancer. Heart races for about a month straight.
Phase 2: Survivor Mode. Tell me everything I need to know, I need to be in control.
Phase 3: Okay Docs, take it from here. Hands off the wheel.
Phase 4: Adrenaline & Blinders. You feel like you can conquer the world. Rocky Style.
Phase 5: Am I done yet? This sucks.
Phase 6: Yay! I'm done with everything, let's live!
Phase 7: Holy crap, I had cancer, how do I live now?!
Phase 8. Alrighty, I look normal and feel normal now, but why do I still feel broken. Can they tell?
Phase 9: Your not broken, your a strong a*s mother f*cker.
Phase 10: Nothing really phases you anymore. You are on the way to the secret of life.
I currently feel like I bounce from Phase 7, 8, 9, 10 on a daily basis. So when I knew this plastic appointment was coming up, I was feeling good about it, because I knew it was going to be a good appointment and a good closure to say alright we can move on now.
Let's move on to this next chapter where you don't have to say cancer so much.
And then the universe has other plans for you.
Now I have to say it in an another way. My friend has breast cancer.
A friend who was by my side through majority of my cancer journey.
I mean WTF. You can't make this sh*t up.
It is super early for her, earlier stage than mine. So I know she will be fine once this is all over. But I feel so much for her because I've been exactly where she was such a short time ago. The word of empathy is not a strong enough word for what this feels like. Because I know her hard times ahead and want to take them away. And that heart racing Phase 1 seems to float back to me through her right now.
So I realized this is my new chapter. Support.
And don't get the wrong idea, this is not me reaching out for support for me, this is me reaching out to show support. Is it how I visioned my life to go right now? No. But it is what the universe throws at you. And you still take it by the horns, take charge and get through it. And at the end you realize it was just another bump in the road to make you stronger and those around you wiser.
So I'm really honored to be able to be that piece of support that was given to me. I'm happy to be able to share my knowledge with someone going through this. And that fine line to give space and show support. I was able to be that person of support for a few other ladies this past year too. Ladies I had never met before but were introduced to because of a similar diagnosis. It was good because we could laugh together and ask questions together and are now good friends. And it felt rewarding and not so alone at times. So I really am happy I can give back to someone I care about so much. And I think this will also be able to help me too. But I know I need to take my space too so I don't fully feel it again.
I realized I also missed blogging, it was so therapeutic. And to be honest, I think it will help me not to retract back to another phase. Knowing I should be sending uplifting thoughts, seems to help you believe you really do have them inside. What do they say...something like "Smiles even trick yourself into happiness"....or I may have just made that up?!
And to my friend....
YOU GOT THIS AND WE GOT YOU
or "ditto/right back at you"
Dani and my empathetic girls.